Lords, ladies, jesters, and dragon enthusiasts—gather ’round! If you’ve ever dreamt of chuckling in chainmail, laughing in a lute solo, or giggling your goblet off at a royal feast, this scroll of 220+ medieval jokes is your golden grail. From knights with commitment issues to wizards who can’t cast a single functional spell, we’re diving head-first into a world of castles, quests, and comedy that totally slays. Get ready for puns so powerful, they’ll knock the crown off your head and have the whole kingdom howling!
⚔️ Jokes Fit for a King
I wanted to be a king… but I couldn’t reign it in.
Royalty always has the best tea… and the hottest gossip.
Why don’t kings use calendars? They reign every day.
I told my dad I’m royalty… he said, “You’re grounded, my liege.”
King-sized bed? More like kingdom nap.
I tried to overthrow the king… but I couldn’t find the throne room.
Kings don’t play hide and seek… too easy to spot the crown.
Royal weddings: extra vows and extra drama.
I bowed to my cat. Guess I’ve gone full medieval.
My Wi-Fi went out. Now I know how peasants lived.
🛡️ Knight Time Laughs
I asked a knight for directions… he said, “Go straight, then joust left.”
What’s a knight’s favorite drink? Knight-quil.
That knight was so chill… he was armor-geddon ready.
I dated a knight… but he ghosted me after the dragon fight.
What do knights eat? Sir-loin.
I made a joke to a knight… he said it lacked polish.
Why don’t knights use phones? Too many dropped swords.
My knight costume? Full rizz, half armor.
Knights don’t need therapy… they just draw their swords at trauma.
I challenged a knight to Uno. He drew Excalibur.
🐉 Draggin’ Some Jokes
Why did the dragon join TikTok? To breathe fire comments.
Dragons don’t ghost you… they roast you.
My dragon broke up with me… said I was too cold.
What’s a dragon’s favorite movie? How to Lose a Knight in 10 Days.
I pet a dragon once… now I have crispy hands.
I told a dragon a dad joke… he burned me out of respect.
Dragon breath? More like garlic fire.
Dragons don’t apologize… they offer charred marshmallows.
My dragon snored… and set off the fire alarm.
I asked the dragon for a ride… ended up in ashes.
👑 Sassy Squire Puns
Squires are just interns in armor.
I asked the squire for a sword… he handed me a spoon.
Squire said “yes, milady”… and then tripped over a goat.
I told the squire to shine my boots… he waxed my horse.
Squires don’t get paid… they get knightmares.
I asked my squire to post bail… he posted memes.
Why did the squire get fired? He joust couldn’t.
Squire said he’d be there by 9… showed up with a lute at noon.
My squire ghosted me… probably chasing dragons.
What’s worse than being a squire? Being one in crocs.
🏹 Archery Antics
Cupid called—he wants archery tips.
I missed the target… but hit someone’s snack.
Archers don’t lie… they just shoot straight.
I got into archery for the point.
What’s an archer’s favorite romance? “You’ve Got Arrow.”
I aimed for greatness… and hit my toe.
I don’t miss—just add suspense.
Why did the archer bring backup? In case it got bow-ring.
Archery dates are right on target.
Robin Hood stole my heart… and my snacks.
🍗 Ye Olde Banquet Jokes
I came for the turkey legs… stayed for the drama.
Medieval food? Mostly bread and bad decisions.
They said “feast like a king”… so I ordered three soups.
The stew was so thick, I knighted my spoon.
I tried to start a food fight… ended in a joust.
My goblet overfloweth… with vibes.
No forks in medieval times… just sticky regrets.
Bread was hard, but emotions were harder.
I spilled mead on the king… now I’m in the stocks.
I asked for dessert… they gave me a sword.
🎭 Jester Jokes That Slap
The jester had bars… like, actual medieval rap.
Why did the jester get kicked out? Too punny for the court.
My job title? Court clown with a crown.
I told a joke at the feast… even the roast laughed.
Jesters don’t get fired… they just get booed.
I challenged the jester to a pun-off… I lost my head.
Why did the jester join stand-up? For court-ordered laughs.
That jester’s shoes? Curved and cursed.
Jesters don’t cry… they juggle emotions.
I’m not funny—I’m jester adjacent.
🧙♂️ Wizard Rizz
My spellbook is just bad poetry and glitter.
I summoned coffee… accidentally made an owl.
Wizards ghost… but with smoke.
I brewed a potion of charm. Still got rejected.
Why don’t wizards do laundry? Robes don’t wrinkle.
My staff? Emotional support stick.
I tried invisibility. Now I’m just ignored.
Cast “Fireball”? More like group text gone wrong.
Wizards don’t nap—they meditate dramatically.
I rolled a 20… and summoned drama.
🐴 Galloping Giggles
My horse threw shade… and me off the saddle.
I told my steed a joke… it galloped away emotionally.
Medieval Ubers? Just neigh on demand.
I gave my horse a name… it still ignores me.
Why did the knight buy a new horse? His was too stable.
Horses in medieval times had better hair than me.
I challenged my horse to a race… it replied “neigh.”
My saddle is comfier than any office chair.
My horse ghosted me… left me hoof-hearted.
Galloping away from problems: a medieval coping skill.
🕯️ Candlelit Chuckles
Medieval dating = sharing a candle and a secret plague.
I tried lighting a candle… accidentally summoned ambiance.
Romance in the 1300s? One candle. Zero deodorant.
I burned my thumb lighting a candle… again.
Medieval mood lighting: just hope the rats stay out.
I lit 14 candles… now I’m legally a wizard.
My crush said I was hot… like tallow wax.
I spilled candle wax on my scroll… instant breakup letter.
Candlelight dinners: dark, dangerous, and delicious.
They say love is a flame… I say it’s an open fire hazard.
🧺 Plague & Punchlines
Caught feelings? Better than catching the plague.
What’s worse than heartbreak? Boils.
I ghosted someone… then a rat bit me.
Medieval self-care: leech, pray, repeat.
My therapist is a guy yelling “UNCLEAN!”
Everyone’s toxic… but now it’s literal.
I drank river water and wrote my will.
Nothing says “first date” like a mask of herbs.
I got ghosted… then actually haunted.
“It’s just allergies,” said the town… before vanishing.
🧵 Fashion of the Fortress
My chainmail’s too tight—but it slays.
Cloaks: because coats weren’t dramatic enough.
I spilled stew on my tunic… again.
Laced up my bodice. Now I can’t breathe, but I look great.
My fit? Medieval slaycore.
Tried on armor… caught feelings AND tetanus.
Knights don’t wear pants… just honor.
That peasant look? Farm-chic.
Corset: the medieval version of “snatched.”
My outfit was cursed… but in a cute way.
🐓 Morning Mayhem
My rooster is my alarm clock… and my enemy.
Wake up, fight a boar, drink ale. Repeat.
I asked for five more minutes… got hit with a pail.
Medieval morning routine: grumble, groan, gallop.
My breakfast? Bread. My mood? Crumbly.
Woke up at dawn… for no reason.
My rooster crowed at midnight. He’s possessed.
No coffee, only vibes. And dirt.
I put my boots on backwards. Again.
Woke up like a knight… moody and armed.
🧽 Castle Clean-Up Comedy
I scrubbed the moat… and emotionally drowned.
Why does every castle smell like soup?
I dusted the throne… then sat on it. Power rush.
Scrubbing dungeons builds great glutes.
My broom has more loyalty than my ex.
Medieval mopping: bucket, tears, and prayer.
I polished armor until I saw my self-worth.
“Help clean the tower,” they said… 5 hours later, still in cobwebs.
Cleaning scrolls is just wiping off regret.
I’m not a peasant, I’m a vibe technician.
🥁 Bardic Banter
I played a lute… and my enemies wept.
Every bard has a secret SoundCloud scroll.
I rhymed “yeet” with “defeat” — bard magic.
My love song went viral… in the tavern.
The tavern said no bards… I played sad flute anyway.
My story began in E minor.
I battle with lyrics, not swords.
Bards don’t die… they fade into legend.
I dropped a mixtape… and a torch.
My guitar string snapped… so did my heart.
🍻 Ale & Fail
I drank one ale… now I joust my feelings.
Mead: medieval juice with chaos.
I can quit drinking… after one more goblet.
Drank a potion by mistake… now I speak goose.
My ale was warm… just like my ex.
I cheersed a knight… and got tackled.
Brewing ale is science… and regret.
I spilled my drink… and my secrets.
Drunk me thinks I’m royalty.
Ale cures all… except dragons.
🔥 Dungeon Roasts
I told a joke in the dungeon… now I’m cellfamous.
Why did the prisoner write poetry? It was a bard sentence.
This cell’s got vibes: stone, moss, and despair.
I asked for a window… got a rat instead.
The rats invited me to game night.
I dropped my bread… it came back stale.
My bunkmate hums Gregorian chants.
“I’m innocent!” I scream… into the cobblestone void.
Dungeon fashion? Grayscale and sad.
I got parole… for good rhyming behavior.
📜 The Final Scroll
Thou hast laughed, thou hast lived, thou art legendary.
These medieval jokes? More armor than drama.
Whether thou art knight, jester, or village rascal—ye slayed.
From the dragon’s breath to the tavern’s ale, thanks for sticking around.
Now go forth and pun-ish thy friends.
Bookmark this scroll on PunsPlanet.com.
Comment below like a bold bard with opinions.
Share it like you’re storming the castle with memes.
Seek ye more puns? Summon thy favorite theme next.
Til next time… stay noble, stay punny. 🏰🎤
FAQs?
1. What are some great medieval puns for Instagram captions?
Try: “Slayin’ like a knight 🛡️”, “Crowned for chaos 👑”, or “Feelin’ bard and boujee 🎸”.
2. Are there clean medieval jokes for kids?
Absolutely! Try: “Why did the knight carry a pencil? In case he had to draw his sword!” ⚔️
3. What’s a funny medieval joke about dragons?
“Why don’t dragons do stand-up comedy? Because their timing is always a bit off-flame.” 🐉🔥
4. Any good pickup lines from medieval times?
“Are you a potion? Because I feel magically drawn to you.” Or “Thou had me at ‘Huzzah.’” 😍
5. What do you call a broke knight?
Sir Cumspect — because he’s cautious about spending gold. 💸😂
6. Can I use these medieval puns for a themed party?
100%! Use scroll signs like “Ye Olde Snack Table” or “Jest Kidding!” to knight your guests with laughs.
7. What’s a hilarious medieval pun about court jesters?
“I told a jester joke once… and the king knighted me for it.” 🤹
8. What’s the funniest thing about armor?
It’s hard to run in, easy to clank in, and impossible to sneak snacks in. 🥴
9. Do medieval jokes work in modern times?
Yes, puns never age — they’re timeless like a cursed castle and twice as charming. 🏰💫
10. Where can I find more pun-packed content like this?
Right at PunsPlanet.com — the kingdom of comedy, where every joke gets a proper knighting.
Conclusion
Thou hast survived dragons, jesters, squires, and suspicious stew—and emerged victorious with laughter in thy heart and pun-dust in thy boots. Whether you be a noble knight, a wandering bard, or just someone who loves a good giggle over goblets, we hope this medieval pun-tacular brought you joy worthy of a royal decree.
Now go forth, brave jokester! Share this article with your court (aka friends), drop a comment below like you’re announcing a joust, and be sure to explore more hilarious scrolls at PunsPlanet.com—where the puns are legendary and the laughs are never locked in the dungeon.
