Some say cockroaches will inherit the Earth. We say: Keith Richards will rent it to them. 🤘
From surviving rock ‘n’ roll mayhem to making immortality look like a fashion choice, Keith is more than a Rolling Stone—he’s a rolling joke goldmine. These 200+ jokes are a love letter to the man who’s defied time, trends, and everything but a tuning fork.
Get ready to laugh louder than a Marshall amp at midnight. Let’s start rollin’.
The Immortal Icon
Keith Richards didn’t age. Time just gave up.
The dinosaurs went extinct. Keith took a nap.
When the apocalypse hits, Keith will headline the afterparty.
Keith once high-fived Methuselah.
He wasn’t born—he was summoned from vintage guitar strings.
The Grim Reaper asks him for tips.
Scientists study Keith to learn why he still has a pulse.
He’s not aging—he’s just in a long guitar solo.
Keith Richards doesn’t get wrinkles. He gets grooves.
He’s not old—he’s rock sediment.
Keith vs. History
Keith was backstage when Caesar got stabbed.
He told the Wright brothers flying was overrated.
Attila the Hun asked him for a lighter.
Keith played Woodstock and the Last Supper.
He once shared a cigarette with Abe Lincoln.
He gave Cleopatra a mixtape.
Napoleon tried to borrow his eyeliner.
Keith turned down the lead role in The Ten Commandments.
He taught Beethoven power chords.
Keith’s passport just says “Since Always.”
Shock-Proof Richards
Keith Richards can lick a 9-volt battery and power a stadium.
Lightning avoids him—it’s not worth the fight.
He once ate a power cord to tune his aura.
Keith’s blood type is AC/DC.
Thunder only claps when he strums.
He doesn’t ground himself—he grounds electricity.
His veins carry guitar feedback.
Surge protectors use him for protection.
He’s not shocked by anything. He is the shock.
He charges his phone with raw charisma.
Rock ‘n’ Roll Rehab
Keith Richards doesn’t detox. Toxins leave out of respect.
Rehab sent itself to Keith.
He once smoked a cigarette made of coffee.
The only rehab Keith enters is a guitar shop.
He did a cleanse once—cleaned his leather pants.
His bloodstream is 80% riff, 20% espresso.
Keith once OD’d on cool. He survived.
Paramedics bring him back to life for practice.
His blood could qualify as a controlled substance.
He makes hangovers feel hungover.
Time Can’t Touch This
Time tried to take Keith. Keith said “not yet.”
He doesn’t turn back the clock—he smokes it.
Keith was born before daylight savings existed.
The clock on his wall is just there for decoration.
His age is “yes.”
He once asked Father Time for a cigarette.
The calendar has a Keith Richards Day—every day.
His wrinkles have stories older than civilization.
Time checks his watch.
He ages in reverse, sideways, and with a side of blues.
DNA: Do Not Age
Scientists can’t map his DNA—it’s all guitar tabs.
His cells wear leather jackets.
His mitochondria runs on moonshine.
Keith’s genes have built-in eyeliner.
He didn’t evolve—he just showed up.
His chromosomes form a riff when viewed under microscope.
His hair defies all biology and most laws of gravity.
His white blood cells carry lighters.
If he gave blood, it would cure time itself.
Evolution skipped him—he’s the original template.
Guitar Gods Worship Him
Keith once made a guitar cry—then comforted it.
He plays solos that last longer than presidential terms.
His pick is forged from meteorite.
When he bends a string, the universe bends with him.
His tuning fork screams in fear.
He once used a cobra as a guitar strap.
His amplifier gets stage fright.
The fretboard frets him.
Keith Richards doesn’t play guitar—he whispers to it.
Legends borrow chords from his dreams.
Fashion Icon of the Afterlife
Keith can rock six scarves at once.
He invented “boho-dead.”
Skeletons model after his stage outfits.
Every wrinkle is a custom stitch.
Sunglasses wear him.
He wears eyeliner better than your ex.
He once wore a snake as a belt.
His boots have toured more than most artists.
His rings have their own Wikipedia page.
He makes thrift store finds look runway-ready.
Keith Sayings (That Probably Happened)
“If it ain’t broke, smoke it.”
“I didn’t quit—I just tuned out.”
“I survived disco. You can survive Monday.”
“Hangovers build character. And riffs.”
“Youth fades, but riffs echo forever.”
“Age is just a stage. Rock it.”
“Life’s too short not to wear leopard.”
“I don’t practice—I reincarnate.”
“I tune guitars with my aura.”
“If death calls, tell it I’m headlining.”
Keith at Every Event Ever
Earth formed. Keith tuned up.
He played background chords during the Renaissance.
He was at the moon landing—selling merch.
He live-streamed the Big Bang.
He played the Titanic off in Drop D.
He opened for Jesus at the Sermon on the Mount.
He’s been in more eras than the fossil record.
He opened for Bach and closed for Drake.
Keith headlined Atlantis before it sank.
He clapped when the wheel was invented.
Undead Energy Only
He flosses with ghost stories.
Keith Richards doesn’t haunt—you invite him in.
Garlic has no effect. He eats it for fun.
Vampires fear his bite.
He once jammed with a poltergeist.
Ouija boards spell KEITH unprompted.
He’s part bluesman, part crypt keeper.
Death asked him for his autograph.
His aura smells like incense and whiskey.
If you hear a spooky riff, it’s just Keith warming up.
Classic Rock & Classic Keith
Keith Richards: the only man cooler than his own shadow.
He doesn’t light a cigarette. The flame finds him.
He’s 80% riff, 20% rebellious squint.
The only thing louder than his amp is his aura.
Classic rock never dies—and neither does Keith.
His cough sounds like a blues lick.
Cigarettes don’t age him—they just accessorize.
His ashes will release a deluxe album.
He inhales rock history, exhales guitar solos.
His silence is louder than most bands.
Keith vs. Nature
Tortoises ask him for longevity tips.
Trees sprout, grow, and die—and Keith just vibes.
He outlived the rainforest he wrote songs in.
Koalas look up to him.
Even rocks say, “Damn, he’s still around?”
He’s older than dirt—and way cooler.
Natural selection said, “Never mind.”
Gravity gave up years ago.
He once outstared a volcano.
He drinks swamp water and gains wisdom.
Keith Richards: Alien or Time Lord?
Aliens saw Keith and turned around.
He’s not aging—he’s interdimensional.
The TARDIS avoids him.
He once opened for Ziggy Stardust in space.
His guitar strings came from Area 51.
He speaks fluent Martian blues.
He crash-landed in 1943 and just stayed.
ET called him “dad.”
He time-traveled on a Stratocaster.
He played on Saturn’s rings once.
Keith Richards vs Clean Living
Soap refuses to lather on him.
Bubble baths quit on the second try.
His skincare routine is “be wind.”
He once bathed in whiskey and walked out cleaner.
Purell evaporates in his presence.
His cologne is a G chord.
He smells like time, fire, and vintage leather.
His sweat could season BBQ.
Scented candles can’t keep up.
He showers once a tour. Maybe.
Keith vs. Zombies: The Undead Showdown
Keith once jammed with a zombie band. They said he was too alive for the role.
The Walking Dead tried to cast Keith—but he looked too convincing.
A zombie saw Keith and said, “Dude, you okay?”
Keith doesn’t fear zombies. They fear becoming him.
The apocalypse started, and Keith started touring.
Keith Richards once bit a zombie. It became human again.
Zombies asked him for skincare tips.
The undead asked Keith for resurrection advice.
His guitar solo caused mass reanimation.
Keith didn’t survive the zombie apocalypse. He hosted it.
Keith & Immortality: The Legend Lives On
Keith isn’t aging. He’s just fermenting.
Scientists gave up studying immortality and just interviewed Keith.
Vampires ask Keith for longevity advice.
Keith Richards once outlived a fruitcake.
His birth certificate has an expiration date—he laughed.
His shadow aged before he did.
He doesn’t get older; time adjusts to him.
Keith beat Father Time in a drinking game.
The Grim Reaper swiped left on Keith.
Time flies, but Keith flies drunker.
Keith Richards: Built Different
Doctors checked his vitals. All they found was whiskey and riffs.
He’s not made of flesh and bone—he’s denim and guitar strings.
NASA declared Keith an “organic relic.”
The CDC studies Keith for antibodies against time.
His bones are made of recycled tour buses.
Keith was diagnosed with 100% Rock & Roll.
They tried to clone Keith. The clone quit from exhaustion.
He once fell from a palm tree—and the tree apologized.
Keith doesn’t need meds. He outlived the diseases.
His X-rays are just vinyl records.
Keith’s Skincare Routine (Spoiler: It’s Chaos)
His moisturizer is pure motor oil.
He doesn’t age—he just gets more vintage.
His cologne is called “Tour Sweat No. 5.”
The secret to his glow? Whiskey, nicotine, and dark magic.
Sunscreen? Nah. He drinks it.
Every wrinkle is an album.
He exfoliates with guitar picks.
His skincare routine starts with “don’t die.”
Botox asked Keith for advice.
He uses eyeliner as sunscreen.
Keith Richards: Rock’s Unkillable Punchline
When the end of the world comes, only cockroaches and Keith will remain.
Keith doesn’t die—he encores.
Every obituary has a “Keith Clause.”
He’s the punchline to mortality.
Keith is proof that Rock & Roll really saves lives.
He fell asleep in 1975 and woke up in 2025—still touring.
Keith Richards doesn’t need life insurance—he is life insurance.
When he dies, Death will ask for a selfie.
His tombstone will read: “LOL, just kidding.”
Keith won’t RIP—he’ll just drop another album.
🧠 Frequently Asked Questions
Q1: Why are Keith Richards jokes so popular?
Because he refuses to die. He’s a living meme with a guitar.
Q2: Is Keith really immortal?
Not technically—but based on appearances, maybe spiritually.
Q3: Can I use these jokes in my rock band group chat?
Yes, and you should. Bonus points if it starts a pun battle.
Q4: What’s Keith’s secret to long life?
Legend says: espresso, Marlboros, and tour buses.
Q5: Are these jokes mean?
Not at all! They’re pure rock ‘n’ roll tribute humor.
Q6: Did Keith Richards invent rock & roll?
No, but he did punch it into existence.
Q7: Can I share these jokes on social media?
Yes—tag your post with #KeefJokes and roll it out.
Q8: Is Keith aware of all these jokes?
Probably. He’s laughing from his private island.
Q9: What happens when Keith Richards dies?
Earth enters its final encore tour.
Q10: Where can I find more jokes like this?
At PunsPlanet.com, your pun-loving backstage pass to laughter.
🎤 Conclusion:
Keith Richards isn’t just a rock icon—he’s a living, laughing meme. Whether you love his riffs or his refusal to age, the man’s become a cosmic punchline with a guitar. So next time you see a thunderstorm, remember: it’s probably just Keith plugging in again.
Got a favorite joke? Drop it in the comments, share this with your fellow rockers, and head to PunsPlanet.com for even more pun-believable fun. 🎸😆
