Imagine if anxiety wore a suit, had perfect diction, and walked into a diner to complain about everything while still being polite. That’s the essence of John Mulaney — and these jokes are crafted in that exact chaotic-yet-composed rhythm. Whether you’re channeling your inner “Street Smarts” kid or still blaming everything on your Catholic childhood, this collection of 255+ Mulaney-style jokes is for you.
Each category features 10 original jokes in the style of his dry wit, rapid storytelling, and unexpected punchlines. No impressions necessary — just poor life decisions told charmingly.
John Mulaney Quotes Funny 😂
“I was once on a show where they asked me to be more exciting. I said, ‘I am a little exciting… in small doses.’”
“I like when you can’t tell if I’m being ironic or just sad.”
“I have a lot of stories where I just look around and think, ‘Why am I the way I am?’”
“I used to think I was boring. Then I realized, no, I’m just a little terrifying.”
“I have the heart of a small boy… in a jar on my desk.”
“I always tell the truth. Even when I lie, it’s sort of true.”
“Sometimes I feel like my life is a long, very slow burn of a joke that never lands.”
“I’m very responsible in some ways. In other ways, I am a cat.”
“The best part of being an adult is that you can eat whatever you want, and the worst part is that your body notices.”
“I like to think of myself as a cautionary tale in human form.”
Best John Mulaney Bits 🎤
“The one thing I miss about being a kid is that I didn’t have to explain why I was crying in the cereal aisle.”
“I was raised in a very loving home. The kind where love comes with a side of guilt and humiliation.”
“I remember being new in town, thinking everyone was mean… and realizing, nope, that’s just life.”
“My parents raised me with a lot of words. Mostly words that made me feel like I’m in trouble.”
“I have a lot of anecdotes about failing gracefully… mostly failing.”
“I once went to a wedding alone and realized that being a single adult is basically just a long line of awkward hellos.”
“I like to tell stories where I’m small, slightly cowardly, and also somehow heroic.”
“Sometimes I pause mid-story to consider if it’s funny yet. It usually isn’t.”
“My relationship with responsibility is complicated. We’re on and off again.”
“Comedy is the art of telling the truth while pretending you’re exaggerating.”
John Mulaney Quotes Baby J 👶
“I was a baby once. I remember almost none of it. But somehow I’m still me.”
“Being small and awkward is great training for adulthood.”
“I used to think the world revolved around me. Then I realized, it mostly revolves around taxes.”
“I was a baby, but not a cute baby. More like a slightly alarming one.”
“I used to cry for no reason. Now I write jokes for no reason.”
“I was a small child with very big opinions. Not much has changed.”
“Being a baby taught me patience… mostly for adults to figure me out.”
“I liked snacks as a baby. I still do.”
“I was a little baby. I had no idea how little I actually was.”
“Baby John: tiny human, huge existential dread.”
John Mulaney Quotes Short ✨
“I’m very funny, and slightly terrifying.”
“Adulting is a trap I fell into.”
“I’m old enough to know better, young enough to do it anyway.”
“Life is chaos with occasional naps.”
“I’m small but very opinionated.”
“I have a plan. It’s called hope.”
“I like chaos, in a charming way.”
“I’m a tiny human with big problems.”
“I speak in observations and awkward pauses.”
“I like being scared, it makes stories better.”
John Mulaney: New in Town Quotes 🏙️
“Being new in town is like being a spy, except everyone knows you’re incompetent.”
“I moved to a new place and immediately felt like an endangered species.”
“The first day in town, I realized that everyone’s secrets are more interesting than mine.”
“I’m new in town… which is code for ‘please don’t notice how nervous I am.’”
“Being new anywhere is just adult peek-a-boo. Everyone’s hiding, everyone’s judging.”
“I walked into town thinking I’d blend in. I didn’t.”
“I’m small, awkward, and recently arrived. Perfect combo.”
“New town rule: cry in public only once.”
“Being new is like auditioning for life, without a script.”
“I came, I saw, I awkwardly waved. That’s new-in-town etiquette.”
John Mulaney And Then I Didn’t 🤣
“I said I’d ask her out… and then I didn’t.”
“I planned to clean my apartment… and then I didn’t.”
“I was going to eat healthy… and then I didn’t.”
“I promised I’d be punctual… and then I didn’t.”
“I was going to call my parents… and then I didn’t.”
“I said I’d speak up… and then I didn’t.”
“I thought I’d exercise today… and then I didn’t.”
“I promised to pay attention… and then I didn’t.”
“I was going to confront my fears… and then I didn’t.”
“I said I’d apologize… and then I didn’t.”
John Mulaney Senior Quotes 🎓
“I spent 12 years preparing to be underwhelmed by adulthood.”
“I graduated… mostly in style, partially in spirit.”
“High school taught me life lessons, mainly about awkwardness.”
“I came, I saw, I survived detention.”
“I learned a lot… but mostly how to survive group projects.”
“Diploma: proof that I can sit still for very long periods.”
“I leave high school with confidence… slightly misplaced.”
“Senior year: the last chance to be dramatic legally.”
“I’m officially smart enough to know I don’t know anything.”
“I survived high school… barely, but proudly.”
John Mulaney Talking Through Burps 🤭
“I tried to tell a story… through burps. It was deeply emotional.”
“Burping mid-joke is my way of adding suspense.”
“I can communicate complex feelings… with burps.”
“Sometimes, the burp is funnier than the punchline.”
“I tell jokes, but the burps do the heavy lifting.”
“Talking through burps: the art of comedic timing.”
“I apologize for burping… it’s part of the story.”
“Burps are the punctuation my jokes deserve.”
“The audience laughed, mostly at the burps, not me.”
“I’ve perfected talking through burps… it’s a niche skill.”
Childhood Trauma, But Make It Funny
I was raised Catholic, which means I’m legally required to apologize before I speak.
I once confessed to a priest that I stole a grape. He gave me the same penance as someone who committed arson.
My childhood doctor had a parrot in the exam room. You haven’t known fear until a bird yells “bend over.”
As a child, I thought “alcoholic” meant someone who drinks soda fast. I was a Pepsi problem.
My parents told me I could be anything, but emotionally stable was not on the list.
I learned to swim by sinking. My dad said, “Figure it out, like America did.”
“Go outside!” they said. “Get some air!” So I stood in the driveway and contemplated taxes.
We didn’t have “helicopter parents.” We had “leave-you-at-Home-Depot-and-hope-you-evolve” parents.
I wasn’t grounded as a kid. I was just… unplugged.
My childhood was 30% rug burns and 70% learning that yes, wooden spoons can be weapons.
Awkward Adulting Moments
I have no idea how old I am — somewhere between “uses coins for laundry” and “Googles if this is a heart attack.”
I always say “no worries” when I am, in fact, deeply worried.
I just spent $18 on soap labeled “calm.” It didn’t work.
I wear glasses to look smart, then immediately forget why I walked into a room.
I don’t kill spiders anymore. I give them a lecture on boundaries.
I don’t flirt. I apologize and run away.
I own one towel. It’s more of a suggestion at this point.
I don’t cook — I “apply heat and hope.”
My adult budget is: 40% rent, 30% therapy, 30% buying books I won’t read.
I’m not bad at finances. I’m just allergic to numbers.
School Was a Fever Dream
My teacher once told us, “There are no stupid questions,” and I immediately proved her wrong.
My high school cafeteria had “pizza burgers,” which is both a food and a lawsuit.
We did the Presidential Fitness Test like we were all auditioning for the Marines at 11 years old.
My school mascot was a confused goose. That felt accurate.
Nothing builds trust like a group project where one kid disappears and the other two cry.
Algebra taught me that numbers can have commitment issues.
I didn’t pass chemistry, but I did set a pencil case on fire.
I peaked in 5th grade. Since then, I’ve coasted on charm and fear.
I was in “advanced” math. The only thing advanced was how quickly I gave up.
Show-and-Tell taught me what embarrassment felt like… and that my family was weird.
Health, Anxiety & Why My Body Hates Me
I Googled a headache and WebMD said “ghost in your brain.”
My Fitbit congratulated me for standing up. That’s the level we’re at.
My anxiety has anxiety. They hold meetings.
I once took melatonin and ended up on a conspiracy subreddit.
I sneezed too hard and injured myself.
My health insurance only covers wishing.
My therapist said “name your feelings,” and I went with Carl.
I drank a smoothie and felt superior for 6 minutes.
I can’t tell if I’m having a panic attack or just drank too much cold brew.
I’m not dramatic, but I did once cry over a papercut and rethink my life.
Family Phone Calls That Go Too Far
My mom leaves voicemails like she’s reporting a crime in real time.
My dad answers the phone like it’s the FBI.
My aunt once texted me “Call me when you’re free” in 2009. I still haven’t.
My grandma thinks Facebook is Google and types “why is the moon” in her status.
My cousin invited me to a wedding… in a group chat labeled “Drama.”
My family can start an argument during the greeting.
My uncle uses emojis like cryptic threats.
I once got grounded over a group chat I wasn’t in.
My family communicates in sighs and casseroles.
Every call with my dad ends with “Okay, don’t die.” Comforting.
Traveling While Mildly Unhinged
TSA pulled me aside because I “looked confused.” Fair.
I once got lost in an airport and just… boarded a flight.
I pack like I’m fleeing a scandal.
I asked for a window seat and got a wall with dreams.
I don’t fly well. I tense up during the safety announcements.
My suitcase has one job: betray me loudly.
I traveled with one pair of pants and a gallon of anxiety.
I once booked a hotel that turned out to be a gas station with stairs.
I don’t trust airplanes. They’re just metal birds powered by hope.
Customs asked me if I had anything to declare. I said “crippling self-doubt.”
Overconfident But Absolutely Wrong
I once confidently used a stapler as a hole punch.
I said “you too” to a waiter who told me to enjoy my meal.
I told a baby to “stay strong.” I don’t know why.
I once waved at someone who wasn’t waving at me, so I just kept waving.
I told someone I was a Sagittarius. I am not.
I once joined the wrong Zoom call and stayed for the PowerPoint.
I gave someone directions to a place I made up.
I told my therapist she was projecting.
I quoted Shakespeare in a fight. It didn’t help.
I signed a birthday card “Sincerely.”
Horrible at Time Management
I’m always 15 minutes early or 2 hours late. There’s no middle.
I set 7 alarms and ignore all of them like a polite rebel.
I once got ready for work… on a Sunday.
I lose track of time while brushing my teeth.
I scheduled two things at once and chose neither.
“Be there in 5” means I haven’t left yet.
My planner is just a graveyard of good intentions.
I time anxiety attacks perfectly — 3AM, every time.
I once postponed a nap for no reason.
I use “tomorrow” as a lifestyle.
Weird Things I Do Alone
I narrate my actions like I’m in a BBC documentary.
I rehearse arguments with people who don’t know we’re fighting.
I trip and then pretend I was dancing.
I practice award speeches in the mirror — for awards I’ll never win.
I Google things like “Do bees have thoughts?”
I sing backup vocals for my cat.
I pace when I’m on the phone. I’ve done marathons.
I misplace my phone while using it.
I reenact movie scenes… as all the characters.
I laugh at jokes I might tell someday.
Conversations That Went Off-Rails Fast
“Hey, how are you?” turned into “Why are we here?”
I asked a coworker how their weekend was — we both cried.
I once confused someone’s dog for their child.
A date told me they loved horror movies. I told them my mom yells in whispers.
Someone said “bless you” before I sneezed. I panicked.
I once said “Happy Birthday” at a funeral.
I mistook a pregnant woman for a coat rack.
I tried to sound smart and ended up quoting Shrek.
“Goodnight” accidentally turned into “love you.” We don’t speak anymore.
I told someone they look tired. They weren’t.
Workplace Chaos
I once called my boss “Dad.”
My desk is organized by entropy.
I pretended to be in a meeting to avoid a meeting.
I once accidentally hit “reply all” with a meme.
My Zoom background was a taco for an entire week.
I email “per my last message” when I’m on the edge.
I dress business casual — emphasis on “casual.”
My motivational poster fell down. It was accurate.
I once said “you too” when someone told me good job.
I have 17 tabs open and no clue what any of them are.
Socially Inept But Trying
I once shook someone’s hand and accidentally held it too long.
I laughed too hard at a joke I didn’t hear.
I said “you’re welcome” before they thanked me.
I introduced myself twice in the same conversation.
I misheard someone’s name and just committed to it.
I waved at someone behind me and took the L in silence.
I panicked during small talk and said “weather is so… sky.”
I once congratulated someone on their engagement. They were not engaged.
I high-fived a wall.
I said “I’m sorry” when someone sneezed.
Weirdly Specific Fears
I’m scared of the microwave beeping at night like it’s tattling.
I fear being the last one clapping.
I can’t trust mannequins. They know too much.
I fear emails with “Just circling back…”
I’m terrified I’ll accidentally send a meme to my landlord.
What if I wave and someone doesn’t wave back… ever?
I’m convinced escalators are lying.
I don’t trust elevators with mirrors. That’s too much self-reflection.
I live in fear of calling my teacher “Mom.” Again.
I fear running into someone I know when buying cereal in pajamas.
Millennial Problems
I’m broke but I own 17 houseplants.
I don’t have kids, but I do cry over cartoons.
I pay for 5 streaming services and watch none of them.
I text “lol” when I’m dying inside.
I made avocado toast and now I can’t afford rent.
I romanticize errands to feel alive.
I use Pinterest for imaginary weddings and fake productivity.
I over-apologize. I once apologized to a lamppost.
I answer phone calls with “Sorry, wrong number.”
I don’t own furniture. I curate seating.
Dating Disasters
I once said “I love you” on the first date. To the waiter.
I asked if they liked cats. They said they were allergic. I meowed anyway.
I once got dumped via Spotify playlist.
I asked “what are we?” and they said “confused.”
I planned a picnic. It rained. On purpose.
My date brought their dog. I fell in love with the dog.
I complimented their shoes. They weren’t wearing any.
They said “you’re funny” like it was a red flag.
I once paid with coins and said, “That’s my personality.”
I sent a flirty meme, then my phone died. Spiritually and literally.
Food Logic That Makes No Sense
I once ate cold spaghetti and called it “art.”
I microwave things based on vibes.
I don’t read recipes — I feel them.
I put hot sauce on cereal once. It wasn’t my best day.
I ate lunch at 4 PM and called it a European diet.
I whisper “you got this” to my toast.
I treat leftovers like a trust fall.
My fridge is 80% sauce and shame.
I once used a spoon for steak.
I call every meal “brunch” to feel fancy.
The Grocery Store Is My Comedy Club
I once bought one banana and panicked at the checkout.
I try samples twice like I’m in disguise.
I talk to produce to test ripeness.
I once mistook soy milk for oat shampoo.
I push my cart like it’s a convertible.
I avoid aisles with people I kind-of know.
I panic when asked “Paper or plastic?”
I once paid $10 for basil and cried.
I pretend to know wine terms like “spicy” and “fermented.”
I once held a frozen chicken like it was a baby.
Holidays Are Weird
Thanksgiving is just competitive eating with relatives.
I wrap gifts like they survived a car crash.
Christmas lights make me feel judged.
I once gave someone a candle I stole from their bathroom.
My family argues through casseroles.
I celebrate New Year’s by losing my wallet emotionally.
Halloween? I dress as someone mentally stable.
Easter egg hunts taught me to trust no one.
I fake surprise when unwrapping things I bought.
I’ve re-gifted a re-gift. I’m a monster.
🛌 Insomnia Thoughts at 3AM
What if I’ve been spelling “Wednesday” wrong this whole time?
Why did I tell that joke in 8th grade?
Are birds real?
I could run away and become a lighthouse keeper.
Do spiders dream?
What if I accidentally married someone in Vegas once?
Is cereal soup?
Did I lock the door?
Should I start a podcast about cheese?
Did I accidentally reply-all today?
Jokes About Ending Jokes
This joke ends… when you least expect it.
Thank you, I’ll be here forever.
That’s all, folks. Unless I remember more.
I said “one more joke” 14 jokes ago.
I can’t leave until I say something awkward. Done.
I’ll let myself out… emotionally.
My closer is also my opener.
Goodnight, sweet memes.
I don’t say goodbye. I vanish.
THE END. (For now.)
FAQs
What’s a “John Mulaney-style” joke?
Dry delivery, unexpected twists, anxious energy, and oddly specific storytelling.
Can I use these jokes in conversation?
Absolutely — just don’t blame us when people laugh and cry.
Are these jokes clean?
Yes! They’re clever, awkward, and suitable for PG-13 storytelling.
How do I write my own Mulaney-style jokes?
Start with a true story. Add panic. Add weird detail. Finish with sarcasm and confidence.
Why are these jokes so relatable?
Because everyone has childhood trauma and hates group projects.
Can I use these for stand-up?
Sure! Just give them your spin — and credit the chaos.
Is John Mulaney a good theme for parties or captions?
Yes! Add “chaotic neutral” energy and you’ve got it.
What makes his jokes different from other comedians?
Narrative structure, clean phrasing, dry voice — and the vibe of a well-dressed raccoon.
Are these jokes good for memes?
Perfect! Add a sad clown or dog in a suit for full effect.
Where can I get more themed joke collections?
Right at PunsPlanet.com — we’ve got puns, themed humor, and awkward laughs galore.
Conclusion
John Mulaney-style humor reminds us that the most ridiculous things are also the most human — from awkward pauses to bizarre childhood stories, overexplaining to underperforming. His jokes take spiraling chaos and wrap it in charm and pressed slacks.
So go ahead — tell that joke, embarrass yourself slightly, and remember: if life gives you lemons, retell the story 12 years later… onstage, in a suit.
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