john mulaney jokes

255+ John Mulaney Jokes That’ll Have You Laughing Like a Gentleman in Crisis

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Imagine if anxiety wore a suit, had perfect diction, and walked into a diner to complain about everything while still being polite. That’s the essence of John Mulaney — and these jokes are crafted in that exact chaotic-yet-composed rhythm. Whether you’re channeling your inner “Street Smarts” kid or still blaming everything on your Catholic childhood, this collection of 255+ Mulaney-style jokes is for you.

Each category features 10 original jokes in the style of his dry wit, rapid storytelling, and unexpected punchlines. No impressions necessary — just poor life decisions told charmingly.

Childhood Trauma, But Make It Funny

  1. I was raised Catholic, which means I’m legally required to apologize before I speak.

  2. I once confessed to a priest that I stole a grape. He gave me the same penance as someone who committed arson.

  3. My childhood doctor had a parrot in the exam room. You haven’t known fear until a bird yells “bend over.”

  4. As a child, I thought “alcoholic” meant someone who drinks soda fast. I was a Pepsi problem.

  5. My parents told me I could be anything, but emotionally stable was not on the list.

  6. I learned to swim by sinking. My dad said, “Figure it out, like America did.”

  7. “Go outside!” they said. “Get some air!” So I stood in the driveway and contemplated taxes.

  8. We didn’t have “helicopter parents.” We had “leave-you-at-Home-Depot-and-hope-you-evolve” parents.

  9. I wasn’t grounded as a kid. I was just… unplugged.

  10. My childhood was 30% rug burns and 70% learning that yes, wooden spoons can be weapons.

Awkward Adulting Moments

  1. I have no idea how old I am — somewhere between “uses coins for laundry” and “Googles if this is a heart attack.”

  2. I always say “no worries” when I am, in fact, deeply worried.

  3. I just spent $18 on soap labeled “calm.” It didn’t work.

  4. I wear glasses to look smart, then immediately forget why I walked into a room.

  5. I don’t kill spiders anymore. I give them a lecture on boundaries.

  6. I don’t flirt. I apologize and run away.

  7. I own one towel. It’s more of a suggestion at this point.

  8. I don’t cook — I “apply heat and hope.”

  9. My adult budget is: 40% rent, 30% therapy, 30% buying books I won’t read.

  10. I’m not bad at finances. I’m just allergic to numbers.

School Was a Fever Dream

  1. My teacher once told us, “There are no stupid questions,” and I immediately proved her wrong.

  2. My high school cafeteria had “pizza burgers,” which is both a food and a lawsuit.

  3. We did the Presidential Fitness Test like we were all auditioning for the Marines at 11 years old.

  4. My school mascot was a confused goose. That felt accurate.

  5. Nothing builds trust like a group project where one kid disappears and the other two cry.

  6. Algebra taught me that numbers can have commitment issues.

  7. I didn’t pass chemistry, but I did set a pencil case on fire.

  8. I peaked in 5th grade. Since then, I’ve coasted on charm and fear.

  9. I was in “advanced” math. The only thing advanced was how quickly I gave up.

  10. Show-and-Tell taught me what embarrassment felt like… and that my family was weird.

Health, Anxiety & Why My Body Hates Me

  1. I Googled a headache and WebMD said “ghost in your brain.”

  2. My Fitbit congratulated me for standing up. That’s the level we’re at.

  3. My anxiety has anxiety. They hold meetings.

  4. I once took melatonin and ended up on a conspiracy subreddit.

  5. I sneezed too hard and injured myself.

  6. My health insurance only covers wishing.

  7. My therapist said “name your feelings,” and I went with Carl.

  8. I drank a smoothie and felt superior for 6 minutes.

  9. I can’t tell if I’m having a panic attack or just drank too much cold brew.

  10. I’m not dramatic, but I did once cry over a papercut and rethink my life.

Family Phone Calls That Go Too Far

  1. My mom leaves voicemails like she’s reporting a crime in real time.

  2. My dad answers the phone like it’s the FBI.

  3. My aunt once texted me “Call me when you’re free” in 2009. I still haven’t.

  4. My grandma thinks Facebook is Google and types “why is the moon” in her status.

  5. My cousin invited me to a wedding… in a group chat labeled “Drama.”

  6. My family can start an argument during the greeting.

  7. My uncle uses emojis like cryptic threats.

  8. I once got grounded over a group chat I wasn’t in.

  9. My family communicates in sighs and casseroles.

  10. Every call with my dad ends with “Okay, don’t die.” Comforting.

Traveling While Mildly Unhinged

  1. TSA pulled me aside because I “looked confused.” Fair.

  2. I once got lost in an airport and just… boarded a flight.

  3. I pack like I’m fleeing a scandal.

  4. I asked for a window seat and got a wall with dreams.

  5. I don’t fly well. I tense up during the safety announcements.

  6. My suitcase has one job: betray me loudly.

  7. I traveled with one pair of pants and a gallon of anxiety.

  8. I once booked a hotel that turned out to be a gas station with stairs.

  9. I don’t trust airplanes. They’re just metal birds powered by hope.

  10. Customs asked me if I had anything to declare. I said “crippling self-doubt.”

Overconfident But Absolutely Wrong

  1. I once confidently used a stapler as a hole punch.

  2. I said “you too” to a waiter who told me to enjoy my meal.

  3. I told a baby to “stay strong.” I don’t know why.

  4. I once waved at someone who wasn’t waving at me, so I just kept waving.

  5. I told someone I was a Sagittarius. I am not.

  6. I once joined the wrong Zoom call and stayed for the PowerPoint.

  7. I gave someone directions to a place I made up.

  8. I told my therapist she was projecting.

  9. I quoted Shakespeare in a fight. It didn’t help.

  10. I signed a birthday card “Sincerely.”

Horrible at Time Management

  1. I’m always 15 minutes early or 2 hours late. There’s no middle.

  2. I set 7 alarms and ignore all of them like a polite rebel.

  3. I once got ready for work… on a Sunday.

  4. I lose track of time while brushing my teeth.

  5. I scheduled two things at once and chose neither.

  6. “Be there in 5” means I haven’t left yet.

  7. My planner is just a graveyard of good intentions.

  8. I time anxiety attacks perfectly — 3AM, every time.

  9. I once postponed a nap for no reason.

  10. I use “tomorrow” as a lifestyle.

Weird Things I Do Alone

  1. I narrate my actions like I’m in a BBC documentary.

  2. I rehearse arguments with people who don’t know we’re fighting.

  3. I trip and then pretend I was dancing.

  4. I practice award speeches in the mirror — for awards I’ll never win.

  5. I Google things like “Do bees have thoughts?”

  6. I sing backup vocals for my cat.

  7. I pace when I’m on the phone. I’ve done marathons.

  8. I misplace my phone while using it.

  9. I reenact movie scenes… as all the characters.

  10. I laugh at jokes I might tell someday.

Conversations That Went Off-Rails Fast

  1. “Hey, how are you?” turned into “Why are we here?”

  2. I asked a coworker how their weekend was — we both cried.

  3. I once confused someone’s dog for their child.

  4. A date told me they loved horror movies. I told them my mom yells in whispers.

  5. Someone said “bless you” before I sneezed. I panicked.

  6. I once said “Happy Birthday” at a funeral.

  7. I mistook a pregnant woman for a coat rack.

  8. I tried to sound smart and ended up quoting Shrek.

  9. “Goodnight” accidentally turned into “love you.” We don’t speak anymore.

  10. I told someone they look tired. They weren’t.

Workplace Chaos

  1. I once called my boss “Dad.”

  2. My desk is organized by entropy.

  3. I pretended to be in a meeting to avoid a meeting.

  4. I once accidentally hit “reply all” with a meme.

  5. My Zoom background was a taco for an entire week.

  6. I email “per my last message” when I’m on the edge.

  7. I dress business casual — emphasis on “casual.”

  8. My motivational poster fell down. It was accurate.

  9. I once said “you too” when someone told me good job.

  10. I have 17 tabs open and no clue what any of them are.

Socially Inept But Trying

  1. I once shook someone’s hand and accidentally held it too long.

  2. I laughed too hard at a joke I didn’t hear.

  3. I said “you’re welcome” before they thanked me.

  4. I introduced myself twice in the same conversation.

  5. I misheard someone’s name and just committed to it.

  6. I waved at someone behind me and took the L in silence.

  7. I panicked during small talk and said “weather is so… sky.”

  8. I once congratulated someone on their engagement. They were not engaged.

  9. I high-fived a wall.

  10. I said “I’m sorry” when someone sneezed.

Weirdly Specific Fears

  1. I’m scared of the microwave beeping at night like it’s tattling.

  2. I fear being the last one clapping.

  3. I can’t trust mannequins. They know too much.

  4. I fear emails with “Just circling back…”

  5. I’m terrified I’ll accidentally send a meme to my landlord.

  6. What if I wave and someone doesn’t wave back… ever?

  7. I’m convinced escalators are lying.

  8. I don’t trust elevators with mirrors. That’s too much self-reflection.

  9. I live in fear of calling my teacher “Mom.” Again.

  10. I fear running into someone I know when buying cereal in pajamas.

Millennial Problems

  1. I’m broke but I own 17 houseplants.

  2. I don’t have kids, but I do cry over cartoons.

  3. I pay for 5 streaming services and watch none of them.

  4. I text “lol” when I’m dying inside.

  5. I made avocado toast and now I can’t afford rent.

  6. I romanticize errands to feel alive.

  7. I use Pinterest for imaginary weddings and fake productivity.

  8. I over-apologize. I once apologized to a lamppost.

  9. I answer phone calls with “Sorry, wrong number.”

  10. I don’t own furniture. I curate seating.

Dating Disasters

  1. I once said “I love you” on the first date. To the waiter.

  2. I asked if they liked cats. They said they were allergic. I meowed anyway.

  3. I once got dumped via Spotify playlist.

  4. I asked “what are we?” and they said “confused.”

  5. I planned a picnic. It rained. On purpose.

  6. My date brought their dog. I fell in love with the dog.

  7. I complimented their shoes. They weren’t wearing any.

  8. They said “you’re funny” like it was a red flag.

  9. I once paid with coins and said, “That’s my personality.”

  10. I sent a flirty meme, then my phone died. Spiritually and literally.

Food Logic That Makes No Sense

  1. I once ate cold spaghetti and called it “art.”

  2. I microwave things based on vibes.

  3. I don’t read recipes — I feel them.

  4. I put hot sauce on cereal once. It wasn’t my best day.

  5. I ate lunch at 4 PM and called it a European diet.

  6. I whisper “you got this” to my toast.

  7. I treat leftovers like a trust fall.

  8. My fridge is 80% sauce and shame.

  9. I once used a spoon for steak.

  10. I call every meal “brunch” to feel fancy.

The Grocery Store Is My Comedy Club

  1. I once bought one banana and panicked at the checkout.

  2. I try samples twice like I’m in disguise.

  3. I talk to produce to test ripeness.

  4. I once mistook soy milk for oat shampoo.

  5. I push my cart like it’s a convertible.

  6. I avoid aisles with people I kind-of know.

  7. I panic when asked “Paper or plastic?”

  8. I once paid $10 for basil and cried.

  9. I pretend to know wine terms like “spicy” and “fermented.”

  10. I once held a frozen chicken like it was a baby.

Holidays Are Weird

  1. Thanksgiving is just competitive eating with relatives.

  2. I wrap gifts like they survived a car crash.

  3. Christmas lights make me feel judged.

  4. I once gave someone a candle I stole from their bathroom.

  5. My family argues through casseroles.

  6. I celebrate New Year’s by losing my wallet emotionally.

  7. Halloween? I dress as someone mentally stable.

  8. Easter egg hunts taught me to trust no one.

  9. I fake surprise when unwrapping things I bought.

  10. I’ve re-gifted a re-gift. I’m a monster.

🛌 Insomnia Thoughts at 3AM

  1. What if I’ve been spelling “Wednesday” wrong this whole time?

  2. Why did I tell that joke in 8th grade?

  3. Are birds real?

  4. I could run away and become a lighthouse keeper.

  5. Do spiders dream?

  6. What if I accidentally married someone in Vegas once?

  7. Is cereal soup?

  8. Did I lock the door?

  9. Should I start a podcast about cheese?

  10. Did I accidentally reply-all today?

Jokes About Ending Jokes

  1. This joke ends… when you least expect it.

  2. Thank you, I’ll be here forever.

  3. That’s all, folks. Unless I remember more.

  4. I said “one more joke” 14 jokes ago.

  5. I can’t leave until I say something awkward. Done.

  6. I’ll let myself out… emotionally.

  7. My closer is also my opener.

  8. Goodnight, sweet memes.

  9. I don’t say goodbye. I vanish.

  10. THE END. (For now.)

FAQs

What’s a “John Mulaney-style” joke?

Dry delivery, unexpected twists, anxious energy, and oddly specific storytelling.

Absolutely — just don’t blame us when people laugh and cry.

Yes! They’re clever, awkward, and suitable for PG-13 storytelling.

Start with a true story. Add panic. Add weird detail. Finish with sarcasm and confidence.

Because everyone has childhood trauma and hates group projects.

Sure! Just give them your spin — and credit the chaos.

Yes! Add “chaotic neutral” energy and you’ve got it.

Narrative structure, clean phrasing, dry voice — and the vibe of a well-dressed raccoon.

Perfect! Add a sad clown or dog in a suit for full effect.

Right at PunsPlanet.com — we’ve got puns, themed humor, and awkward laughs galore.

Conclusion

John Mulaney-style humor reminds us that the most ridiculous things are also the most human — from awkward pauses to bizarre childhood stories, overexplaining to underperforming. His jokes take spiraling chaos and wrap it in charm and pressed slacks.

So go ahead — tell that joke, embarrass yourself slightly, and remember: if life gives you lemons, retell the story 12 years later… onstage, in a suit.

👉 Liked this collection? Share it with your chaos-loving friends, and visit PunsPlanet.com for more curated chaos, puns, and comedy collections!

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