If laughter is the best medicine, consider this your daily dose! These Guaranteed Jokes are funny-tested and audience-approved — the kind of jokes that always land. Whether you love clever puns, dad-level humor, or quick one-liners, this list guarantees at least one laugh (but probably more). Perfect for sharing, texting, or just brightening your day with a smile that sticks. 😄💬🎉
Guaranteed Jokes One Liners 😄
I told a joke about construction… it’s still being built.
Why don’t skeletons fight? They don’t have the guts.
I’m reading a book on anti-gravity… can’t put it down.
I’d tell you a chemistry joke… but I know I’d get no reaction.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
I tried to catch fog… but I mist.
Parallel lines have so much in common… it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
I told a joke about time travel… you didn’t like it yet.
Why did the math book look sad? Too many problems.
I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.
Guaranteed Jokes in English 🇬🇧
I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia… she whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
I would tell you a joke about pizza… but it’s a little cheesy.
Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
I told my computer I needed a break… it froze.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
I made a pun about the wind… it blows.
I went to buy some camouflage pants… couldn’t find any.
I told a joke about paper… it’s tearable.
Guaranteed Jokes for Adults 🧠
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high… she looked surprised.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? They make up everything.
I tried to start a hot air balloon business… it never took off.
I asked the bartender for something cold and funny… he gave me a beer.
Adulting is like folding a fitted sheet… nobody really knows how.
Why don’t programmers like nature? Too many bugs.
I asked my GPS for directions… now I’m in a pun-derworld.
I told my boss I needed a raise… she laughed… I cried.
I made a joke about inflation… now it’s blown out of proportion.
Why do accountants make good DJs? They know how to drop the base.
Dad Jokes for Adults 👨
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know y.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
I asked my dog what’s two minus two… he said nothing.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
I would avoid the sushi if I were you… it’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high… she seemed surprised.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
I’m on a seafood diet… I see food and I eat it.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
Guaranteed Jokes for Friends 👫
I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high… she was surprised.
Why don’t we ever tell secrets on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes.
I asked my friend if she liked my pun… she said, “You crack me up.”
Friends are like snowflakes… if you pee on them, they disappear.
I told my friend a joke about paper… it was tearable.
My friend wanted a fun fact… I said, “You’re fun.”
Why did we go to the party together? Because misery loves company… and laughs.
I made a pun about vegetables… my friend said it was unbeetable.
Friends are like stars… sometimes you don’t see them, but they make your nights better.
I told a joke about time travel… my friend didn’t laugh yet.
Guaranteed Jokes for Kids 🧒
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it felt crummy.
Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? It was stuffed.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
Why did the kid bring a ladder to school? To go to high school.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
What did one wall say to the other wall? I’ll meet you at the corner.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience.
Best Dad Jokes Flirty 😏
Are you French? Because Eiffel for you.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
Are you a magician? Because whenever you’re around, everyone else disappears.
Do you like raisins? How about a date?
I must be a snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
Are you Wi-Fi? Because I’m feeling a connection.
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you’re Cu-Te.
Can you lend me a pencil? I want to erase your past and write our future.
Are you a cat? Because I’m feline a connection.
Best Dad Jokes Ever 🏆
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity… it’s impossible to put down.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
I’d tell you a joke about pizza… but it’s a little cheesy.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
I used to play piano by ear… now I use my hands.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
I tried to catch fog… but I mist.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? They make up everything.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
I’m on a seafood diet… I see food and I eat it.
📱 Text Me Later, I’m Laughing
I sent a joke over text… now I’m ghosted by my own humor.
My autocorrect deserves an award for comedy.
I texted “I’m outside” when I hadn’t left the couch.
My typing speed is directly tied to the tea I’m spilling.
My texts have more typos than a toddler with a keyboard.
“LOL” doesn’t mean I laughed… but this article? I did.
Group chats: where jokes go to be misunderstood.
I sent “haha” instead of “LOL”… and now we’re not friends.
I use emojis like they’re seasoning.
I text like I talk: confused but enthusiastic.
🧍 Awkward But Adorable
I waved at someone who wasn’t waving at me. Twice.
I said “You too!” to the waiter when he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I tripped over air and apologized to it.
I once held the door for someone who was 30 feet away.
I said “Hi” and forgot how to blink.
My voice cracked in front of a crush. I blame puberty, still.
I don’t get embarrassed… I collect awkward stories.
My life’s a rom-com with no romance and too much cringe.
I replied “good, you?” when someone said “Thank you.”
I forgot how to speak so I just pointed and hoped.
🧦 Sock It To Me
I lost a sock. It’s probably living its best life somewhere.
My socks don’t match, but my vibe does.
I have fancy socks I only wear when I want to impress my feet.
I got holey socks—spiritually blessed toes.
Laundry: where socks vanish into another dimension.
My sock drawer is a chaotic neutral.
If the sock fits… wear it until it disappears.
Socks: the silent heroes of cold floors.
I once wore two left socks. It felt morally wrong.
Mismatched socks = fashion rebellion.
🎮 Game On, Giggles
I paused my game for this—you better laugh.
I play games to escape reality… and fail there too.
My strategy is 90% panic, 10% button-mashing.
I rage-quit politely. Then cry silently.
Gaming is cardio… for my thumbs.
I play to win, but mostly I snack.
My avatar has better fashion than me.
In real life, I walk into doors. In games, I still do that.
Level 1 confidence, final boss attitude.
I didn’t lose. The controller betrayed me.
🤡 Clowning Around
I don’t clown around… unless it’s really funny.
My fashion sense? Part circus, part chaos.
I once wore polka dots to a funeral. It was a phase.
Honk if I’m ridiculous (spoiler: I always am).
Clowns scare me… except when I am one.
I’m not joking. Wait, yes I am.
If life’s a circus, I’m the juggling squirrel.
I laughed so hard I squeaked. Send in the clowns.
I have a red nose. Allergies or destiny?
I told a joke at the wrong time. Now I’m the act.
💡 Light Bulb Laughs
How many puns does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, we already lit.
I saw the light—then tripped over the cord.
I replaced the bulb… but I still feel dim.
My ideas shine… then flicker and die.
I’m not the brightest bulb, but I’m the fun one.
This little light of mine? Probably needs batteries.
I lit up a room once—then got told to leave.
Watt do you call an electric joke? Shocking.
I’m glowing, but it’s just screen light.
I turned on the light and still missed the point.
🏖️ Vacation Mode Activated
I need a vacation from my vacation.
Beach, please—I’m exhausted.
Sunscreen is just regret prevention.
I packed everything… except my will to return.
My itinerary says: nap, snack, repeat.
I took a break and forgot how to human.
I’m tan, tired, and too chill to respond.
If found, please return to beach.
Vacation calories don’t count, legally.
My suitcase came home heavier. Same.
🪞 Mirror, Mirror
I looked in the mirror and said, “That’s showbiz, baby.”
Mirror selfies are just confidence rituals.
My mirror saw things it can’t unsee.
I make faces at myself… and lose every staring contest.
Mirror mirror on the wall, why am I texting in the hall?
I hyped myself up, then stubbed my toe.
If I could like my own reflection, I would.
I practice arguments in the mirror. Still lose them.
I winked at myself once. Got nervous.
My mirror should charge for therapy.
🤯 Mind-Blowing Mayhem
I opened a bag of chips… from the bottom.
I just realized “desserts” is “stressed” backwards.
What if dogs see in color and just won’t tell us?
I clapped at the microwave. It beeped back.
I asked my echo if it loved me. It paused.
I blinked… and it was Friday.
My brain said “rest” but my phone said “vibes.”
I tried to meditate. I just napped with ambition.
My thoughts have buffering issues.
Life comes at you fast… like a breadstick to the face.
🧃 The Final Sip of Silly
That last sip of juice hits like a plot twist.
I finished my coffee… and my personality.
My straw betrayed me. Suction failure.
I drank water and now I glow like a hydrated goddess.
That drink was 10% juice, 90% nostalgia.
My smoothie made me believe in love again.
One sip, and I’m back in my main character era.
I ordered sparkling water. It fizzed judgmentally.
My drink had a little umbrella. I felt powerful.
Sip happens. Especially when you laugh mid-gulp.
FAQs
Q1: What makes these jokes guaranteed to work?
They’ve been tested on friends, family, baristas, and cats. All results: laughter.
Q2: Are these jokes safe for kids?
Totally! They’re clean, punny, and parent-approved.
Q3: Can I use these in a birthday card?
Yes! Write “Guaranteed laugh inside” for dramatic effect.
Q4: What if I didn’t laugh?
Then you’re entitled to 1 bonus pun, free of charge: “I once told a chemistry joke… but I got no reaction.”
Q5: Are these good for texting your crush?
100%. A good pun = instant rizz.
Q6: How many times can I share this list?
Infinity. The more you send, the funnier you look.
Q7: What if my friend sends me one of these jokes first?
Reply with: “Great minds pun alike.”
Q8: What’s the best way to deliver a joke?
With confidence, a straight face, and dramatic pause.
Q9: Are there themed collections available?
Yes! We’ve got jokes on love, food, pets, zombies, and more on PunsPlanet.com.
Q10: Can I turn these into merch or captions?
Totally. Turn ‘em into memes, mugs, or motivation!
Conclusion
If you made it this far, you’ve earned a badge of honor, a bellyache from chuckling, and maybe even a screenshot or two. From cheese to cringe, awkwardness to awesomeness, these jokes are guaranteed to spark a smile.
So send one to your friend. Drop one in the group chat. Or tell one at dinner and proudly endure the groans. Because laughing? That’s your superpower.
Ready for your next dose of joy? There’s always more on PunstersClub.com!
